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Psychics and witches alike are adamant that you must ask your spirit guide for guidance before your seance in order to minimize the risk of being compromised by negative entities. Now in the past I’ve encountered a lot of jerk-off guides who’ve obviously died from some bizarre ass ailment and I wouldn’t have trusted them if my life depended on it.

Here are a few signs to listen out for during your session that’ll signal you’re dealing with a dick.

• Has your spirit guide asked you about your sex life? Did it become nasty when you mentioned you weren’t interested in a relationship with the undead?
• Is your spirit guide an acquaintance of either Uri Geller or Derek Acorah?
• When your guide was alive on earth did it listen to ‘Steely Dan’ and ‘Enya’ records relentlessly?
• Dimiss it if it uses an Internet acronym (such as LOL, LMAO) during the seance.
• Has the entity imprinted a lewd image of itself into your mind? If so, tell it go away immediately.
• Tell it to go to hell if it asks you to sing ‘the Star Spangled Banner’ before you proceed with session.

Remember that most spirit guides are sexually frustrated demons out to pray on young men and women. If you hear intense panting at any point during the seance, immediately abandon anything to do with the occult and place a cork up your ass. You don’t want to be compromised in the middle of your sleep by a toga donning Greek, I assure you.