If you must take the ouija board, then make sure you disinfect it with some toilet bleach. According to some pioneering research from Stanford University, toilet breach reacts with the chemical agent that makes ghosts evil and breaks it down, rendering the ghoul no more sinister than Casper.

Of course you could always accept the Ouija Board and put it in your nasty neighbour’s mailbox. Just make sure you don’t leave any fingerprints whilst planting it there, as there are strict federal laws against such acts throughout America. This is a God fearing nation after all and it’s our duty as citizens to eliminate the Devil from the earth.

You don’t want to burn down your house now do you?

If you see any of your relatives attempting to play the Ouija board at this time of year, run up to them, drag them by the hair to the toilet and flush their head repeatedly. Inform them about the ways of the Lord. Inform them of the everlasting Torments of Hell that awaits anyone dumb enough to play the board at this time of year.

Rumor has it that President George Bush attempted the Ouija Board one Easter and Satan removed half of his brain and sold it to Soviet Russia. Apparently he’s still trying to get it back from them. He checks Vladmir Putin’s Ebay listings every night, just to ensure that he isn’t trying to resell it at a premium.

Remember kids, demonic possessions are real. And they aren’t fun. Domesticated animals, being pure of heart will attack you on sight if your head’s owned by Satan.

“Letters just kept coming out from everywhere. None of the sentences made any sense at first. We kept getting the same line “Kill Phil, kill the bald one” over and over again. It was hard to take serious. But we were in such a rut at the time that we had to use everything it gave us. I could have swore that it was Kurt Cobain at the other side of the Ouija. The lyrics were really that bad. And to think that the ones that actually appear on the album are the cream of the crop”.

Yorke is renowned for his tendency to dabble in the occult. During the Pablo Honey tour of 1993 he once summoned a goblin in Cork, South Ireland who apparently traveled to the outskirts of the town and burnt down a barn. The singer was sentenced to a month in jail, during which time he converted to Christianity.

“I’ve long since turned my back on the Devil. I’m with Jesus now. In fact our next album is gonna be called ‘Everything Richard Dawkins Says Is A Pile of Old Balls’.”

Yorke now apparently spends his weekends preaching in Cambridge to bemused shoppers. “I’d rather we never sold another record if I could claim a lamb for Christ. We’re gonna record our next album in Texas, our new spiritual home. We need to be around those who actually have a chance of entering Heaven. Let’s face it, Britain is full of wicked anti-war lefties. I used to hate them all. But now by the grace of God, I love them even through their absent mindedness.”

Just under a year ago she set fire to the board. She was drunk on whiskey at the time. The fire took hold and she ended up burning down her whole neighbourhood. Now if she’d been a believer in God, none of this would have happened. God would have cast water down from the heavens in order to quell the fire. But since she was an evil demon woman who enjoyed smacking herself over the head with mirrors just to give herself as much bad luck as possible, she refused to believe in God.

Now I’m not saying that all atheists are evil. What I am saying is the you shouldn’t use an ouija board if you’re mentally ill. Especially if you plan to put it in your oven or your toaster. You’ll only end up aggravating the spirits and this will likely cause all sorts of untold damage in your life. If you must try the Ouija Board, call upon Chuck Norris to protect you with his holy gristle. If you pray hard enough to him, he’ll bestow mercy onto your shallow soul and you’ll be spared from all potential sources of evil.

In the movies that depict an Ouija board, they show the spirits moving the cursor around on the board, with lights flickering on and off, and items flying around the room. While there may indeed be instances of evil spirits present in a house, there is little claim and association that can be given to the fact that it is the aid of an Ouija board that is making the items fly around the house. In reality, an Ouija board should be used with great caution, as the spirits can indeed become upset with the questions that are asked, but there have been very few cases where there are the end results of items flying around the room. Movies that show such are often depicting the Ouija board in a negative light, which is offensive to those that truly believe in its mystical powers. As much, the movies that have Ouija board séance scenes in them are inaccurate, as the characters in the movie will often ask the spirits questions that are known to be upsetting to them, and avoided at all times.

Wooden Ouija boards have been claimed to be great beer mats. This is often a saying that many people have laid claim to. This is more of a tongue- in- cheek comment for those that are non believers of the Ouija boards. At a party that has an Ouija board for people to play, many will state that they will place their beer on the wooden boards, as they are absorbent, and will stop from beer can and cup rings from appearing elsewhere in the house. There are those that have tried an Ouija board, and have all said that they are often non believers of the Ouija board, which is why they would prefer to use it is a coaster for their beer rather than for personal use. An Ouija board is also known to be fairly substantial in height, which makes it susceptible for holding more amounts of water that may drip off of the beer. For those that are sloppy drinkers, the wooden Ouija boards can soak up any beer that has been spilled, saving many from having to clean up after themselves.

It is often tempting to go about using an Ouija board on one’s own accord. Although this may seem as though it is a lot of fun, it will not give the best possible results. This is because the Ouija board must be used by two or more people as a means of regulating the various energies that are in a room. Using the Ouija board can truly open up one’s mind, but typically not for the better, as it will leave many questions remaining and leaving others wondering what else there is to explore in the afterlife. Playing with an Ouija board alone can be a dangerous occurrence, and should not be go unaddressed. Having different energies to feed off of during a reading is best for the spirit, as it will feel as though it is not going alone in the reading, and that is has many more people to talk to. As much, should someone use an Ouija board by themselves, it can truly mess with their mind if they see a result that they do not care for, even if it is inaccurate.

The internet is always chock full of various resources, and is known to carry the most obscure items for sale. For those that are looking into purchasing an Ouija board from the comfort of their own home, online resources are best. This is because there are wide arrays of Ouija boards that are all brand new that tare available online. These Ouija boards can vary in price, and may be something that is cheaper than twenty dollars, all the way to those Ouija boards that are wooden and worth well over one hundred dollars. Handcrafted Ouija boards are also known to be common place on the internet, and can also be purchased from a reliable online seller. Internet auction sites, such as eBay, are also gret locations for finding the right Ouija board, as there are multiple variances in the Ouija boards that are offered. As much, many of the people that are looking to sell their Ouija boards online are doing so as a means to make a few extra dollars, and will often sell them cheaper than their actual retail market value.

The beginning origins of the Ouija board have been traced back to the Chinese culture and the 12th century. It is believed that at this time, there were boards that were placed about with the information of the alphabet and numbers displayed on the board, as well as a small pointer. Although the beliefs of speaking to he spiritual side was not as popular at the time as it is today, there are many that wanted to communicate with the deceased, and believed that they could with this method. Moving forward to the 19th century is when there was an even larger increase for interest in the supernatural as well as communication with those that lie beyond or views. It is thought to believe that the present day Ouija board was derived from Charles Kennard, who brought Ouija board to the forefront that it is at today while in Baltimore. Today, Parker Brothers, one of the leading board game manufacturers is the owner of the board game, and creates thousands of the board game every year.

Ouija boards have been said to carry the potential for transporting vital information that is needed from the spirit world to the real world. Asking the spirit for such information as to movies for an arm to arm combat, or which tactics would be beneficial are often seen as harmless to those that are using the boards. It is many people’s beliefs that they can use the Ouija boards as a means of telling them how to deliver the attack on an enemy, or how to stay combative against enemy attack. It should be noted that an Ouija board should not be heavily relied upon for accurate answer, as not all of the answers that are given from an Ouija board are accurate. Even if an Ouija board can be mostly accurate, it is best to trust one’s instincts than rely on the spirits of the past to dictate as to how the future will unfold in a combat.