In modern life, everything has the capacity to be dangerous. Dishes, horses, plastic forks and headless kittens can all be used as lethal weapons by Satan and his minions.

Ouija boards themselves are especially dangerous, particular to young God-fearing Americans. I’ve heard reports from a fellow in New Jersey who nearly had his head chopped off by a flying Ouija. Apparently the board rose up by itself to the height of 5 feet and flew towards his head!

Playing Ouija is suicide. Even after playing one game most people are hopelessly addicted to it. According to an unofficial government report Ouija Boards are just as addictive as crack cocaine. Weaning an addict away from Ouija is nigh on impossible. In order to succeed specially trained liaison officers must wheel the addict to the nearest lake where they are held underwater for 150 seconds until they’ve either died or agreed to never try the Ouija again.

The boards are seen by many as a portal to another world. This dimension is full of demons and goblins who manipulate the ouija board with their minds. Since no education system exists within this world the spirits communicate with all of the clarity of an average 13-year-old idiot girl from New Jersey. The main aim of the ouija is to lead America further astray from the path of Christ. Many players have reported that the board has managed to convince them to stop attending church on a Sunday and to instead spend their time swearing at their television sets.

In summary, Ouija boards are about as dangerous as an owl suffering from amphetamine psychosis, which is extremely dangerous. Especially if it has a steel beak and claws like razors. You’ve been warned.

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