Ouija Boards, Spirits, Psychics And Class A Psycho Killers

Last night I heard about a 60-year-old psychic woman who was obsessed with dipping her ouija board into her deep fat frier before using it. I think she thought it removed all evil spirits from the board. In fact the opposite happened. Every time she put her board into the frier it would become embodied by the spirit of Adolf Hitler.

Just under a year ago she set fire to the board. She was drunk on whiskey at the time. The fire took hold and she ended up burning down her whole neighbourhood. Now if she’d been a believer in God, none of this would have happened. God would have cast water down from the heavens in order to quell the fire. But since she was an evil demon woman who enjoyed smacking herself over the head with mirrors just to give herself as much bad luck as possible, she refused to believe in God.

Now I’m not saying that all atheists are evil. What I am saying is the you shouldn’t use an ouija board if you’re mentally ill. Especially if you plan to put it in your oven or your toaster. You’ll only end up aggravating the spirits and this will likely cause all sorts of untold damage in your life. If you must try the Ouija Board, call upon Chuck Norris to protect you with his holy gristle. If you pray hard enough to him, he’ll bestow mercy onto your shallow soul and you’ll be spared from all potential sources of evil.