Questions To Ask The Ouija Board

  • If God is real, how come my sister keeps coming home drunk in a wheelbarrow dressed like a Native American?
  • When exactly am I going to die? I want to put a wager on it y’see?
  • Why is Satan such an asshat? Why can’t he occupy himself with gardening or crossword puzzles rather than spreading misery throughout the world?
  • Should I vomit over my next crush the first time I see him/her?
  • If my life actually has a meaning why the hell am I sitting here fiddling with a piece of talking cardboard (the spirits love rhetoric questions!).
  • Please can you make yourself known by singing the opening verse to Abba’s ‘Waterloo’ in G minor?
  • Please can you make your presence known by whipping me on the ass with something leathery?
  • How hot is it in Hell? Do you have to wear sunglasses to protect your sight from the flames? Are there many BBQ’s down there?
  • Are Hitler and Stalin lovers in hell? Does Satan sit and watch them as they make out?
  • Why the hell are farts so goddamn funny?
  • Is reincarnation real? If so, who was I in a previous life? Who will I be in the next life?
  • Will sex change operations be much cheaper in the future?
  • Is Richard Dawkins really the son of Satan? Did God just put dinosaur fossils on earth to make evolution seem more credible, thus testing the faith of humanity?
  • Were you responsible for making our genitals look so horrible, Satan?
  • If the devil isn’t gay, how come he’s always depicted as wearing cat suits in Christian propaganda? Surely the God brigade can’t be lying?
  • Is the Republican Party H.Q. connected directly to Hell via telephone?
  • Has Bill Clinton ever had a sexual encounter with anyone from the spirit realm?
  • If money is really the root of all evil, how come Donald Trump looks and smells more holier than Christ himself?